A Life Resolution

I will explain my parental figures in my life, and why each of them are the devil and angel on my shoulder while I’m on that treadmill.

I’ll start with my dad.  

My dad is really the only blood family I’m close to.  And since I can remember he’s told me I’m fat.  He’s made fat jokes. He’s done it all.  He is the reason that I have self confidence issues.  He’s the voice I hear when I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see.  He was physically abusive when I was younger, and continues to be verbally abusive to this day.  

He’s the devil on my shoulder.  He knows I’m trying to lose weight.  I’m not sure if he cares, but I believe he thinks I’ll fail.  He’s the person that I want to look at when I get where I’m going, and ask him how fat he thinks I am now.  

And then there’s my mother in law.

I love her.  She’s the best mother in law in the whole fucking world.  She’s annoying, and flaky.  She has absolutely no tact whatsoever.  But, she’s so beautiful in every way.  She’s smart.  And kind.  And she’s 100% behind me on this journey every day.  I could have gained a few pounds from when the last time I’d have seen her and she’ll still give me a big hug, smile, and go, “You look amazing!  Have you lost more weight!?”  She’ll look to my brother in law (also an incredibly cool little shit) and go, “Tell her how good she looks!  I am so proud of you!!”

Amazing.  

She’s the angel that sits there.  Telling me that it’s okay to have that beer.  Just one though.  Drink it, and don’t think about it.  Then start over tomorrow.  She’ll be the face that I see when I go to Goodwill and get to grab a pair of jeans a size down.  I’ll want to tell her the exciting news about how I got to go one notch lower on my belt.  

Both are helping me on this journey.  One has done damage to my self esteem and ego that may never be recovered.  The other is pushing me up this hill.

Use the haters as motivation lovelies!!!  <3 <3 <3

I do binge, I think everyone does.  I mean, at some point, you’re like, “Fuck it.  This triple decker chocolate rootbeer float/banana split ice cream miracle is the only thing in my life that matters at this point!”

I’ve been doing it less though.  

Because it’s okay to have bad food.  

It is.  I promise.

But, instead of getting the triple decker chocolate rootbeer float/banana split, try just the single serving.  To me that’s not binging, that’s being alive and a human being.

Like, if I told myself, that I was not allowed crab ragoons ever again in my life.  Well, my life would suck a little bit, because crab ragoons are fucking delicious.  And I’m not doing this so my life can suck, I’m doing this so I can be healthy and happy.  Healthy and happy.  

It’s okay to have one or two crab ragoons every once in a great while.  What’s not okay is to tell yourself that crab ragoons have no room in your life and ban them completely, until that night that you go out with your friends after a movie and they’re there on the table so you eat eight.

That’s a binge.

I think people vastly over use that word.  Having a scoop of frozen yogurt while watching some sappy movie is not binging.  Having four bowls with gummy bears, chocolate syrup, nuts, and whipped cream is.